As a women's inner healing and empowerment life coach, my mission is to support and equip women of all backgrounds to live lives of soul prosperity. Having experienced my own journey of living a life of struggle and survival, doing the good work of forging a new path for my life which opened up to now coaching other women in cultivating lives they feel connected and centered in, I've realized one of the profound challenges that all of us seem to struggle with to varying degrees is honestly.
I had a client I was working with, and for months I sensed such resistance. She gave all the "right answers" and did all her weekly challenges and activations, but I could not seem to connect with her, heart to heart. I challenged her, a couple of times, regarding the resistance I felt and even asked her at one point "have I done something to cause you to not trust me? I feel like there's a lack of honesty in how you're showing up here." And she didn't like it.
Most of us dont like feeling questioned or confronted, thank you pride and ego.
But she didn't quit. She kept showing up, and finally, she cracked. Cracked in a good way, she cracked open. She got honest with herself, for the first time in her life, and because she was able to do that, she was able to show up more honest with me.
Suddenly, every session felt fresh and full of life. She was experiencing breakthrough after breakthrough and the way she began to show up in her life, her work, her relationships and even hobbies began to transform.
The truth is, I've had moments like this with at least half of the women I've walked with in the past several years. There's a block. There's a level of self-deception that we live with and it prevents us from being honest with ourselves and others.
You see, every relationship with have with another is an extension of the one we have with ourselves.
And, after living life for 40 years, having countless friendships with countless women, working with women, serving women, loving women... I can confidently say that few women have healthy relationships with themselves.
Countless women have told me they feel lost, stuck, disconnected, unfulfilled in the lives they live and relationships they are in. But they also tell me that they tend to keep that truth to themselves and even have a hard time admitting it to themselves.
That's what my friend was talking to me about a couple of weeks ago. She shared that, not only is it scary to admit that she feels lost and stuck, but she also struggles with feeling guilty that she has everything she wanted and still lacks fulfillment. She feels like she doesn't have a right to not be satisfied and so, she does what so many women do, she works hard at convincing herself she's OK and that there's "no problem here."
When I asked her "how's that working for you." She said with a tear in her eye, and she's not a cryer, "not well."
Why do we feel this pressure to act like everything is ok and even deny to our own selves that we are struggling in the lives we live? Or why do we minimize our struggles or accept them as "normal?"
Is it because it is "normal" for women to feel disconnected from themselves and others? Is it because it's "normal" for women to have some sense of self-loathing? Is it because it's "normal" for women to get lost in roles, and rules and responsibilities? It's "normal" to have mediocre relationships with husbands and feel overwhelmed in life, most days? It's "normal" to check out and numb out or get a quick dopamine fix with social media or retail therapy? It's "normal" to live with anxiety or depression or have outbursts of anger and act and speak in regretful ways in moments of rage? It's "normal" to settle into a life lesser than the one our hearts our crying out for?
Years ago, when I was working as a sexual health and integrity educator at a pregnancy center, I found myself immersed in the study and exploration of human sexuality. Delving beyond the surface, I began to unravel the intricate impact of what society deemed as "normal" promiscuous behaviors. These behaviors, widely accepted and even promoted in our culture, were revealed to have consequences that stretched far beyond the realms of STDs (or STIs, as we now call them) and unplanned pregnancies. The "normal" promiscuous standard came with costly consequences at a psychological, physiological, relational and sociological level. This post is not about that, but it was during this period of deep exploration that I encountered a life lesson—one that has remained etched in my consciousness ever since.
Just because something is "normal" does make it natural.
If being overwhelmed all the time or feeling lost and disconnected, lacking intimacy, living lives we need to check out of, hustling and bustling to keep up with the Kardashians (OK, I know, that might be a little dated!) Judging and criticizing our bodies and not being in touch with ourselves emotionally, not being able to identify our needs or vocalize them in healthy ways... if all of this was natural, we wouldn't be medicating, we wouldn't be battle depression or anxiety, we wouldn't feel the lack that so many of us feel and yet have a hard time admitting.
But NOTHING changes, until we are willing to get honest with ourselves.
We have to be willing to admit there's a problem, if we are to embark on the pilgrimage to resolve it. Maybe, there's a lack of hope, or maybe there are lies we believe that bind us to unworthiness preventing us from embarking on that journey towards fulfillment and freedom, but my friend... enough is enough!
We cannot heal what we are unwilling to be honest about. We cannot find freedom in shadows of self-deception.
Just because something is "normal" doesn't mean it's natural or in our best interest.
I used to want a "normal" life. I coveted those of you who had everything I thought I wanted; the husband, the house the financial wealth, the kids, the trips, the careers and ministries, it all seemed to come to the "normies" with such ease, and I was not one of them. Everything felt like a struggle to me.
But now, in my 40's I can honestly say, I don't want a normal life. I want a creative life. An inspired life. A supernatural life. I want the life that only I was meant to live, and I want to learn to thrive in that life so that I can inspire others to want to do the same in theirs.
There's beauty and blessing in being married and being single. There's challenges and hardships in being marriage and being single. We can be surrounded by a large group of people or sitting on a couch with one close friend, but no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, relationally, this one thing remains true, the most important relationship you will have in this lifetime (human to human) is the relationship you have with you.
You are with YOU, 24/7. You wake up with you, you go to bed with you and you're with you every second in between. You can't have a deeper and more genuine relationship with another than you've cultivated with yourself. The thing that impact the quality of your life the most, is the relationship you have with you.
Getting a new job, or man, or house, or outfit, or skin care regimen, or botox treatment or WHATEVER is not going to help restore your relationship with you. That's all surface and superficial fluff and it doesn't have lasting satisfaction. Working on your relationship with you is the KEY to living beautifully. It's learning to live from the inside out, and it requires a commitment to radical self-honesty.
And it helps when we have hope. We need the hope for better. We need the hope that the risk of coming undone will not cause us to disintegrate, but allow us to come into full bloom.
I've shared this before, but maybe it'll be your first time hearing it, and if not, I don't think this is a quote we can hear too much of.
Nine years ago, as I sat in the pile of a life that had been one too many times shattered, lacking all hope for my future and anything I could possible do to put the ashes of my life back together, I read this quote and it's stuck with me over the years and I share it often.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anais Nin
They say two things tend to lead people to transformation; devastation or desperation, for me it was both, but why wait for either?
Maybe your life is not as shattered as mine was, but if you're honest with yourself, are you living in soul prosperity? Do you live with a steady state of peace of mind? Do you live with contentment and joy? Do you live purpose and passion? Do you overflow or are you overwhelmed most days?
What is your base mode of operation? Are you on auto pilot a lot? Are you going through the motions but lacking inspiration and fulfillment? Do you struggle with being present in the moment and life that you're in? Do you check out often? Are you hard on yourself? Are you hard on others?
It doesn't have to be that way, but until we are wiling to be honest with ourselves about the reality of the condition of our internal world, and we are willing to risk hoping for a better, brighter, more fulfilling future, nothing will change.
No amount of money. No amount of accomplishments. Nothing your kids do, or don't do. No move, new home, new city, nothing external will help bring genuine internal peace and fulfillment. External changes don't shift internal realities.
The fears that hold us back are the lies that keep us bound.
A friend shared this quote with me, about six years ago now, and it's become a mantra I live by and encourage others with.
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” - Cynthia Occelli
I believe that each and everyone one of us have a seed of a dream of who we might become and what lives we may create buried deep into the burrows of our souls. It's that very seed that creates the longing for more, even when we are unsure of what the "more" we are longing for looks like, let alone how to create it.
The more, is unique to each and everyone of us, and yet similar in many ways, as it all begins within. It grows out of a soul that is at peace, that is content, that lives in joy and hope. A soul that lives a life of overflow. A soul that lives loved.
It's a different way of living, it's not "normal" in this world, and yet, it's the most natural thing once you get there!
If you're reading this, you're probably on a journey of growth and discovery and so my challenge to you is, where are you having a hard time being honest with yourself, and why?
Sometimes we really can't see those blindspots and that's the benefit of pulling someone else in.
Don't get me wrong, I think education and information, digital courses and streaming studies are powerful and beautiful and can be insightful and transformative - to a certain degree. However, we were not made to live alone, and healing and transformation is not found in isolation, though solitude is often required.
Healing and transformation comes through connection and companionship. We must be willing to let someone else see us and hear us, not to judge us, but to encourage and challenge us and help us confront the places within ourselves we are blind to. We need the courage of another to face the places within our souls we've spent our lifetime running from. We need to lean on another's strength when we grow weary, and it helps to have a guide whose already been down the path, who knows the terrain and can help equip and encourage us when it all feels to be too much.
We can't expect to live in the light if there are parts of ourselves we are keeping hidden, even from ourselves. We can't expect to have intimacy with others (or with God) if we are unable or unwilling to be honest with ourselves and allow ourselves to be known. And we can't live beautifully, in soul prosperity, if we aren't living "naked and unashamed." And that takes time to grow into, but the journey begins with honesty. We can't live authentic lives if we aren't able or willing to be radically honest with ourselves and others.
So, what do we do?
I want to leave you with some action steps that you can move towards and put into practice, should you chose to accept the challenge of become more boldly honest in the life you life.
Self-Reflection Exercise: Take a moment for honest self-reflection. Are there emotions, experiences, or thoughts you've been avoiding? Acknowledge them and consider how embracing honesty could bring healing. What aspects of your life could benefit from a dose of truth?
Share Your Truth: Start a conversation. Share a piece of your truth with someone you trust, a safe person. It could be a friend, family member, a counselor, coach or even a spiritual leader. Opening up creates a pathway to understanding yourself better and allowing others to understand you more authentically. We can only feel as loved as we allow ourselves to be known.
Join the Community: Commit to joining the Living Beautifully Community and become and active and engaged member of it, not simple consuming, but connecting and implementing what we share and offer here. Engaging with like-minded individuals can provide a safe space to share experiences, gain insights, and support each other in the journey towards living authentically. Through the podcast, this blog, instagram, one-on-one coaching and group workshops and events, get connect and engage, that's the best way to activate real change in your life.
Set Honest Intentions: Identify an area in your life where you can set honest intentions. Whether it's in your relationships, work, or personal development, commit to approaching situations with transparency. Notice how this shift towards honesty impacts your own well-being.
Educate Yourself: Explore resources that delve into the transformative power of honesty. Books, podcasts, or workshops on authentic living can provide valuable insights and practical tips to navigate the challenges of being truthful with oneself and others.
Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that the journey towards living beautifully may have bumps and detours. Be kind to yourself along the way. Embracing honesty is a courageous act, and every step you take towards living authentically is a step towards healing and transformation.
Remember, you're not alone in this journey. By taking these small steps, you contribute not only to your own growth but also to a culture that values and celebrates honest living.
Let honesty be the key that unlocks the door to a more fulfilling and authentic life.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post, I know I haven't written in a while, but I am posting daily on instagram @LivingBeautifullyLifeCoaching to support, equip and encourage you on your living beautifully journey so if we aren't yet connected there, lets connect and get engaged!
I've also launched a rebranded podcast and have very clear intention and strategy for the episodes that I am unfolding. So far there are three episodes that I've posted and 7 more that are ready to role out in the next couple of month. This is meant to be a resource for you to connect and engage with in your living beautifully journey.
Remember, living beautifully is a lifestyle, one that requires practice and is about process and progress and everything I share with you is created with the intention to support you on that journey!
Much love and gratitude, until next time! When of the six action steps will you give a try this week? Id love for you to let me know in a comment bellow!
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